You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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