I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
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I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
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Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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