Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
