Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
