ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
