Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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