Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
