need another drink. this is the easiest way
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize