I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
