i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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