I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
