Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
