This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
