I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
