I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
two words...techno handjob
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
