My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
