You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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