Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
