What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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