Buhtt sex?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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