I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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