Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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