also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Randomize
