The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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