i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
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i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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