Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
