i need an iv and a liver transplant
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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