My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
