Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
