Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
