remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
