this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I pour the whiskey from now on
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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