we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
