cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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