Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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