i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
