i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Is it because I queefed?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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