From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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