I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
