I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
