why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
