News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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