Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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