I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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