the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
