new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
