If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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