I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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