I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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