I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
