i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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