If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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