If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
