Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
