I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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