I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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