hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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